Woman and Islam
Winning your Family’s Hearts
Umm Milad Attariyya
Good character does not cost anything. Yet, it can win over anybody. The Prophet صَلَّى الـلّٰـهُ عَلَيْهِ وَاٰلِهٖ وَسَلَّم stated, “The best among you is he who is best towards his family, and I am the best of you towards my own family.”[1]
One trait of righteous and successful people is that they win over the hearts of those associated with them. Now, what are the qualities a person can adopt which make him dear to everybody, such that he is remembered even after leaving this world? These qualities result in a pleasant environment wherever one goes, bring ease in the journey of life, cause one to be considered a good example, makes one somebody who is emulated by others, renders one an ideal personality, and leads to one becoming profoundly respected in this world and the Hereafter.
If you wish to win over the hearts of your family, always listen to them regarding permissible matters. Contrastingly, it is impermissible to obey anybody regarding matters of impermissibility. A ḥadīth explains:
لَا طَاعَةَ لِمَخْلُوقٍ فِي مَعْصِيَةِ الْخَالِق
There is no obedience to creation where there is disobedience to the Creator.[2]
Firstly, try to win over the hearts of your parents by speaking quietly in their presence and keeping your gaze lowered. Do not show any boredom before them and look at their faces with love.
The Prophet صَلَّى الـلّٰـهُ عَلَيْهِ وَاٰلِهٖ وَسَلَّم mentioned, “When a child looks at their parents with mercy, Allah records for them the reward of an accepted ḥajj for every gaze.”
The Companions رَضِیَ اللهُ عَنْهُم asked, “Even if he looks at them a hundred times in a day?”
He replied:
نَعَمْ، اللہُ اَکْبَرُ وَاَطْیَب
Yes! Allah is the Greatest and the Most Pure![3]
Similarly, making one’s children happy is Sunna. The Prophet صَلَّى الـلّٰـهُ عَلَيْهِ وَاٰلِهٖ وَسَلَّم stated:
اِنَّ فِي الْجَنَّةِ دَاراً يُقَالُ لَهَا دُاْرُ الْفَرْحِ، لَايَدْخُلُهَا اِلَّا مَنْ فَرَّحَ الصِّبْيَان
There is certainly a place in Paradise known as Dār al-Farḥ (The Abode of Happiness), and only he who keeps children happy will enter it.[4]
Speak to children about playful and amusing matters. Try to teach them through play. Treat sons and daughters equally.
With good intentions, be just, forgiving, humble, and gentle. Display good conduct and greet others with salam. Try to avoid argumentation in matters connected to peace of the household. Always trying to have your way only troubles others; listen to what they have to say and look at its benefits. Making a big issue out of small things only ruins one’s honour.
Instead of always criticising, one should show appreciation of any good that is done. This will create a place for you in the hearts of others. Angry facial expressions will only drive people away from you, not bring them closer. Another major reason for a lack of concord within families is an absence of forbearance. If you do not possess any tolerance, even if there are two of you living in a home, you will always be at each other’s throats. Your forbearance and level of tolerance plays a major role in developing your ties. Sometimes, a tolerant person thinks, “Why should I be the only one to tolerate things?” Yet, through your forbearance, the other person will also become tolerant in the future.
Another quality is to conceal others’ faults. Families keep their personal matters within the home, whilst outsiders describe family matters outside the home. We all have flaws and good qualities. We consider everyone else to be wrong, but we should not do this. It is not a matter of others being wrong always; they are simply different. It is neither necessary that everybody is either wrong or right. Simply consider people to be different. اِنْ شَــآءَالـلّٰـه This will prove to be helpful in living with others.
Avoid reproaching each other over minor issues. Irrespective of whether a husband and wife are living separately or in a joint family system, some have a habit of rebuking others for no reason and constantly causing trouble. Be open-minded and mindful of one another’s rights. One beautiful aspect of our religion is that it has clearly mentioned the rights of every person.
The rights of the father are mentioned separately, and so too are the rights of the mother, brother, sister, husband, wife, son, daughter, and even the rights of the maternal aunt, i.e. the mother’s sister. All of these are mentioned separately, and it is necessary for us to read about them, as they are the boundaries within which we must stay. Fulfil these rights. If you are mistaken, then do not hesitate in admitting your mistake; this will only increase your honour.
Make your life easy and try improving your relationships. If you act upon this advice, you will avoid many problems اِنْ شَــآءَالـلّٰـه. Give people their due right. You will not attain anything from envy except rage.
Save yourself from things which bring no benefit in this world or the next. It is from the beauty of a person’s Islam that they leave that which does not concern them. If you keep this in mind, your life will become an example for others. Do not leave even the smallest door open to allow anything of no use to enter.
Speak to people in a manner befitting their mindset. Do things whilst understanding the dispositions and temperaments of others. Respond to ill manners with goodness and make it a habit to pardon others. Just as holes and cracks are not left when constructing a home, which would allow people to peek inside, people of knowledge and intellect do not leave any scope in their conduct that can cause others to fall into doubts regarding their character.
To beautify your character, watch the Madani Muzakara every week and attend Sunna-inspired gatherings. اِنْ شَــآءَالـلّٰـه You will witness immense blessings through this.
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