How To Maintain Good Relationships Between Family, Friends & Relatives

A Heartfelt Plea

Join ties, do not break them!

Mawlana Muhammad Imran Attari

Chairperson of Dawat-e-Islami’s Central Executive Committee

We have a duty to foster good ties with our relatives. Hence, to maintain a good relationship with them, it is imperative to display upright conduct in matters such as interaction, communication, and transactions. Unfortunately, today people sever relationships and turn away from each other over trivial issues due to a lack of knowledge, misunderstanding, absence of counsel, or ego. They lose their temper and overreact time and again. All too often, relationship breakdowns, such as between siblings or spouses, lead to many sins like backbiting, false accusations, and bitterness. In fact, after a familial bond is severed, the parties involved often only ever engage with each other viciously or bad mouth each other in front of others.

When assessing the typical causes that lead family ties to deteriorate, I discovered that most of the time, the choice to sever ties is unjustified and against the teachings of Islam.

Some causes of quarrelling and relations being severed

1.   "When we went to the banquet organised by so-and-so, he did not even talk to us politely; he was asking others for water and food, but where we were sitting, he did not come even once, and he did not give us any respect." Now, everyone understands very well that the host is usually stressed during the banquet. He must do many things and meet many people in a limited time. Rather, sometimes his mind is preoccupied with the loan he had to take to arrange a banquet to fill the stomach of his family members and other acquaintances. In such a situation, he needs sympathy, yet we are the ones complaining.

2.   “We invited so-and-so to our gathering, but he never came. Therefore, we too will not go to his gathering!’’ Ponder for a moment. There may be many reasons for his absence; he may have had an emergency, he may have been under financial pressure, or there may be some other such issue due to which he did not come. We spoke to ten people and complained about him not coming, but did we even once ask him directly the reason for his absence?

3.   "He goes to his house, but does not come to my house. He invites him to every feast but does not invite me." Brother, he has the right to choose to go to someone's house. He goes to that person's house for a specific purpose, but that is not the case with you, so he does not come to your house. Likewise, he has the right to invite whomsoever he likes to his house. Sometimes, it may be the case that a person's nature is known that even if so-and-so comes on a happy occasion, he will cause disruption and ruin the pleasant environment. It is his nature to fight, quarrel, mock, object and dishearten. He cannot conduct himself properly among people. Ask yourself, who will allow such a person to partake in their occasions of happiness? In addition, sometimes, a person is not financially capable, so he only invites select people. In such a situation, it is not right to be displeased. Instead, one should display a big heart, and upon becoming aware of the banquet arranged on a happy occasion, he should call him to congratulate him and pray for him to remain safe from the evil eye.

4.   "When he went for Hajj/Umrah, he did not even tell us, nor did he inform us when he came back. We only came to know from someone else." Well, it was not obligatory for him to tell you when he departed to perform Hajj or Umrah and even after returning. In the same way, when someone comes back from the sacred journey of Hajj, firstly, there is a series of congratulations. After that, the returning pilgrim is berated with questions about the gifts he had brought. Siblings, spouses, children, and even extended family such as the sister’s in-laws hound the pilgrim, incessantly asking about gifts he has for them. People also complain that such-and-such a thing was given to so-and-so. Still, we did not receive it, or so-and-so was given more of a certain thing, and we received less, he has brought such-and-such thing for the children of so-and-so but did not bring it for my children, the daughter-in-law says that he has brought things for his daughter but not for me. There are disputes over kids in this regard, too, i.e., things were brought for the maternal grandkids but not the paternal grandkids or vice versa. Let’s suppose nothing was brought for or given to you, then tell me, do you have any right according to Sharia to make such a demand? If they give less or more to someone and do not give anything to another person, they have the right to do this. Also, concerning these gifts, they are granting them based on ethics, love and devotion. They are not obliged to distribute them to everyone. When it is not binding upon them from a Shari viewpoint, you should not speak against them or quarrel with them.

Even if they only gave a small bottle of Zamzam water and a few dates, it is more than sufficient as the purpose is to attain blessings, be it less or more. Tell me, is Zamzam water only considered holy when you are given a big bottle of it? To label someone as miserly solely based on this and to call them names and sever ties with them is undoubtedly foolish.

It is my humble plea to all devotees of the Prophet! Develop determination, courage, and self-respect! Those who become displeased over trivial matters should change their disposition and instead adorn themselves with the ornamentation of forgiveness and pardoning. Instead of breaking relationships, do acts that lead to ties being upheld. May Allah Almighty bless us all with His merciful gaze.

اٰمِیْن بِجَاہِ النَّبِیِّ الْاَمِیْن صَلَّی اللہ تَعَالٰی عَلَیْہِ وَاٰلہٖ وَسَلَّم